The dreadful traffic problems that have plagued the village for weeks now have forced the council into drastic action. The problems, caused by all the people moving out and the associated removal lorries, have prompted some sensational measures. All roads in Bath are, as of this evening, officially one way out of town. The other half of the roads have all been deserted for months so the move has pleased environmental groups who were worried new roads would have to be built just to help everyone get out. In a second move, all the bus lanes (redundant since the local bus company folded three weeks ago) are to become removal lorry lanes.

Other news today in Bath comes in the form of a huge petition that was delivered to the council offices today. The petition, on 2000 sides of paper carrying five signatures (they used copy and paste) was simply entitled "Bath is rubbish, haven't you realised?" The document is the work of a local community action group and is sure to make councillors sit up and take notice. The list of names in full is: Namus Oneson, Person Twoson, Thisjokeswearing Thinerson, Enoughs Enoughason and Bob Smith. We presume the last name is the work of some prankster.