Trial Day Four - The Result!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By Robin Peterson at the Old Barley.

The conclusion of the sensational YerLegason trial took place today in Bath. The first half of the day was spent with the further questioning of the defendant and chiefs at the Bath Evening Gazette. The responses were all much the same as yesterday. At one point there was an objection from the public gallery. The onlooker, Sir Phill Tuxford who incidentally just couldn't sit still all day and kept doing bunny hops, objected when Miss YerLegason said that nobody would believe that Phill Tuxford would ever be offered a job in an electricity company again. Justice Taylor laughed at the intervention and allowed the trial to proceed. Events were marred by a group of english lads supporting Miss YerLegason who kept breaking out into football chants. "YerLegason's Barmy Army" they sang, followed by "And it's super Pauline, super Pauline YerLegason....." and "We're innocent, and we know we are, we're innocent..." and "The judge is......." and "We hate Ms Oxbridge and we hate Ms Oxbridge, we hate Ms Oxbridge and we hate Miss Oxbridge......." and "We're gonna be not guilty, we're going to be not guilty, and now you're gonna believe us and now......" etc etc. Quite amusing but after a while very irritating for everyone present.

Finally it was time for the verdict:

Judge Taylor: Have you come to a unanimous decision?
Head Juror: Yes ,we have.
Judge Taylor: On the charge of 'making the council look stupid' do you find Miss YerLegason guilty or not guilty?
Head Juror: We're not sure.
Judge Taylor:WHAT! You're not sure. I thought you said you had a unanimous decision.
Head Juror: We had, we're all not sure.
Judge Taylor: This is ridiculous. Why do I have to work with such amateurs. YOU CAN NOT REFUSE TO MAKE A DECISION. (getting angry) now go away and make you're minds up.
(an hour and a half later)
Judge Taylor: Now. Have you come to a unanimous decision either guilty or not guilty?
Head Juror: Yes we have.
Judge Taylor: Hallelujah. Do you find Miss YerLegason guilty or not?
Head Juror: We find her guilty. (Gasps from court room) No sorry, that should be not guilty, gosh my hand writing is poor.
Judge Taylor: For crying out loud man. Guilty or not guilty?
Head Juror: Not guilty, yes definitely not guilty.
Judge Taylor: Right, now what about the Bath Evening Gazette, guilty or not guilty of not researching properly?
Head Juror: Guilty.
Judge Taylor: Sure? Don't want to change your mind? 50-50, phone a friend maybe?
Head Juror: Actually I would like to phone my uncle Fred, he always gets these right on the TV dramas.
Judge Taylor: I don't believe this. Right, guilty it is final answer, too late. The Bath Evening Gazette will cease to be as of tonight. Thank you very much everybody and good night. I'm off home.

And with that the trial came to an end. The YerLegason fans were ecstatic, the media jubilant in fact Ms YerLegason had already signed a lucrative contract to do a comedy show for the BBC after her jokes were so impressive. Everyone is out celebrating except the poor little Bath Evening Gazette - consigned to history within the blink of an eye. It is a great shame of the newspaper of the year which has been held in high regard for its coverage of the capitulation of one of Britain's most beautiful cities. Alas, in a failing home the Gazette was always likely to perish along with every other industry that used to exist in the once thriving vibrant Bath. So it's one final goodbye from Bath's very favourite fictitious evening newspaper journalist who is off to the nearest job centre, which is in Bristol as the Bath branch closed, in the hope of finding a new paper.

Farewell,

Robin Peterson


Put the old editions of the Bath Evening Gazette down