The Big Trial - Day One News - Exclusive!

Robin Peterson is our man at the Bath Court House, The Old Barley.

The sensational trial of Pauline YerLegason for 'making Bath council look stupid' started today in Bath - currently the centre of the world as far as the media is concerned (and also according to one 12th century atlas proposed by a local philosopher). The introduction of TV cameras and live court house coverage on terrestrial television didn't seem to affect proceedings. The day began:

Justice Taylor: Hello everybody and welcome to the big trial live and exclusive on ITV. Good morning to all the law-y type people in the building, the jury, everybody in the public gallery, and all those watching on the telly at home. It's great to have you with us and I hope you enjoy the trial. My name's Sir Lord Chief Justice Simon Taylor but you can call me Si. (smiles at camera). May I introduce to you first, head of the defence, an old friend of mine Alan.
(APPLAUSE light flashes and vast public gallery respond enthusiastically)
Alan: (blatantly to camera) Hi. I'm Alan but you can call me Al. For those of you new to real life court cases, it's my job to try and get the defendant off scot-free. I must tell viewers at home that in reality a trial is nothing like what you see on TV dramas and stuff. The media portray a very formal image I think. I mean, you won't catch me wearing a wig! Back to you Si.
Si: Thanks Al. We really must get that game of squash in sometime. Anyway head of the prosecution, Ms Oxbridge QVC.
(APPLAUSE)
Ms Oxbridge: The prosecution have no frivolous television banter to offer at this stage your honour.
Public Gallery: Ooooh!
Si: (to camera) That's all for now, see you after the break.
(APPLAUSE and dramatic music)
Ms Oxbridge: Your honour, we can hardly suspend proceedings every fifteen minutes just for the benefit of TV, this is a disgrace and the prosecution wish to officially object.
Si: Well the judge wishes to officially approve. We're all very important people and we're never on the box. Normally we just get those rubbishy artists drawing-things that they show on the news.
Bloke at back of room: OY!

Anyway, the day continued in roughly this vein. We were introduced to each member of the jury, each of whom shared a humorous anecdote from their past, and we also heard briefly from the beautiful Ms YerLegason. The defendant is now Britain's most photographed woman and has modelling agencies scrambling for her signature if she is released. The prosecution vehemently objected at every stage of the day arguing that this type of introductory process and idle chit chat wasn't established court room rubric to which Judge Taylor replied on each occasion, "I'm the judge, I'm the judge, Na Na-Na Na Na". Judge Taylor finished the opening day by trying to organise a prosecution versus defence badminton match but the prosecution declined.



The Trial - Day Two