Multi-national company Seymour International Ltd has today announced the closure of all of its operations in Bath. The company, founded by Sir James Seymour, is the biggest employer in Bath and the news will devastate the local economy and the city as a whole. The Gazette sent intrepid reporter Robin Peterson to Sir James' personal London tower block overlooking the Thames in an attempt to find the reasons for this decision.

I asked Sir James why his company, now the largest in the world and worth over 7 trillion dollars, is closing offices despite turning a 450 billion dollar profit last year. His responce was that it had not been a commercial decision. When asked whether, then, he just hated Bath, Sir James said, "Well, I do hate it. But that's not the real reason for the decison. The decision was made on marketing grounds." Sir James, who has a cameo appearance in sit-com Friends lined up for next week, went on to explain that having offices in a backward moving city like Bath was harming the company's image. I asked him how he felt for the 3000 people he was making redundant to which he replied, "It'll be ACE. They don't have to go to work...they can sit in the sun all day...it'll be ACE". At this point the interview came to an end as the clock struck mid day and Sir James, now the richest man in the world, only works mornings.

Other news in Bath, Bath City Football Club was today relegated to the Donnay Sport League, western section, 4th division reserve league. It was more bad news for a city now in desperate strife.