By Robin Peterson

The vast majority of the city centre shops failed to open for trading on Saturday and it has emerged that most have permanently closed. The reason being touted is that the shop workers are so overcome by the trauma of travelling to the city centre that they instead decide to stay at home. It appears that the prospect of a day in Bath is just too much to bear for most people now. The news is again disastrous for the city as the only shops remaining now are a tuck shop that doesn't sell Maverick bars, a small John Menzies in the station and seven outlets of Clinton Cards. The news will probably serve as a deterrent for those thinking of visiting Bath.

National news today, the programming language Ada has been banned from the whole world. Anyone found using it, or asking others to use it will be locked up and have the key thrown away. Its creators are also to be tried for crimes against humanity.