In Uppin Hev, an argument was going on.

"It's not my fault, I told him he was needed today," said Archangel Pete.

"Well you are the one who's meant to make sure he doesn't leave, but he did, so you didn't, so now what are we going to do, with God goodness knows where and the ever-so-very-important meeting going to happen tomorrow?" asked Moses, in an ever-increasing panic.

"Go and look for him?" asked Pete, who hadn't really quite understood what Moses had said, but had just about caught on to the end bit.

"Well good luck to you, I say," answered Moses in a very unenthusiastic tone of voice, "Take anybody stupid enough to go with you and go and find God."

The reason why Moses wasn't keen on this idea is that Uppin Hev is really a very big place - bigger than the Earth - bigger than the whole Universe - even bigger than the long words which people who think they're frightfully clever use to show off and confuse people - in fact, it has no end, it just goes on and on. That is why Moses thought it was a bit silly trying to look for God, in an endless place, with only one day before the ever-so-very-important meeting.

Pete eventually grouped together slightly fewer than seven hundred and fifty people, which was quite a large number, but I think this was because they had been told that there were sweets in it for them if he was found.

This group left, and Pete bet Moses £5 that they would find God. It wasn't really gambling, because in Uppin Hev money can't buy you anything, so neither minded whether they won or lost.

Moses then remembered two things: Firstly, his toesies were not made or roses, and secondly, and considerably more urgent, important and generally rather more terrifying, Di Innell was meant to meet God in less than one day. They had to decide whether to allow holidays for those in Hell to come to Uppin Hev for a while. Di wanted to make them even more unhappy when they had to go back to Hell, and God hoped he could make them stay once they got here. If God wasn't there, there would be nothing to stop Di from deciding all sorts of things they didn't want deciding, and probably pinching a couple of souls to take back as a souvenir.

Moses called Elijah, Solomon and Bappy (John the Baptist, but Bappy was easier to say) to come and work out what could be done.

"Can't we postpone it?" asked Elijah.

"No," replied Solomon, "Di's already on her way, and even if she weren't, we don't know how to tell her not to, because she could be almost anywhere."

"Why don't we entertain Di for a few days until Pete finds God?" continued Elijah.

"The only entertainment she likes is watching people burn, and we can't very well do that, can we?" reminded Bappy.

"Well what can we do? God has to be here, or Di will kill us!" worried Moses. "We already are dead", Moses was reminded, "And does God actually have to be here, or can we make do with someone else - I mean Di probably can't remember exactly what God looks like, we could use someone else, and he could act like God, and we could tell him what to decide for us," suggested Elijah tentatively, because his last ideas had all been called ridiculous even though he had thought they were quite good, and he didn't want to make the same mistake again.

"Yes, but, but," began Moses "But, but why not? What a good idea. Now, who to use..."

"We should use someone who Di can't possible remember having seen before. I think we should walk along, and use the first person we see," proposed Elijah, who was starting to get excited. This made his face go red, and this made him embarrassed, so that his face went redder still, until it looked more like a tomato than a face.

Everyone agreed, and headed off, except for Elijah who thought that without his head he wouldn't be able to see anyone even if someone was nearby, so kept his on.

Presently, they can across a young man called Jim, and so they told him what they wanted him to do. He agreed immediately, partly because he liked the idea of being so important, but mainly because they promised him something chocolately and fudgey at the end of it all.

They brought Jim back, and started to teach him how to behave like God, which wasn't too difficult, except that he had to lower his voice considerably, because God has a very deep voice, but this tended to make him cough.

It was now an hour before the meeting was meant to start, and Di was due to arrive in thirty minutes time. Just as people were beginning to think that Pete and his group had got lost, they all trooped back. Crowds came from miles around, to see them arrive, and to get to the free drinks. They threw their hats up in the air, but those who couldn't catch didn't, so as not to embarrass themselves. They threw flowers instead, as they didn't mind if they didn't get them back.

"Well, where did you find him?" asked Solomon, "And where is he, anyway?"

"Er, um, I, well, it's like this, if you know what I mean," mumbled Pete.

"I think I do," said Moses, "Where's that five quid?"

"Here." Pete handed Moses five pound coins, which he gave to a small boy nearby to play marbles with. When the crowd found out that Pete's mission had failed, they were upset, but they didn't mind much, because they found that worrying was quite difficult in Uppin Hev. They all went home, except the boy who was still playing marbles, and fifteen people who stayed to finish the drinks, and carry any they couldn't drink home with them. Pete was very flustered, and was finding no difficulty in worrying, it now being forty-five minutes away from the meeting.

"Hello, so you've arrived back at last," said a deep voice from behind them.

"God, you're here!" exclaimed Pete in happiness, but his face turned to bewilderment when he turned around to see Jim standing behind him. "Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm Jim, alias God!"

Just then, balloons were blown up, drums were beaten, and cymbals crashed, and the ambulance was called out for them. However, it couldn't get down the road, because at that very moment, Di Innell came. Bappy and Elijah ushered him in, and tried to keep Di interested on subjects such as death torture, and fire.

Elijah put the kettle on to boil. Solomon rushed out to the kitchen, condensed the kettle, and boiled the water instead. He then made the tea, and brought it out to Di. "Make yourself comfortable, God will be along in five minutes. We'll have the meeting in here."

Five minutes later, the meeting started. For ten minutes, the meeting went beautifully, with Jim convincing Di excellently. Di wasn't allowed to make radical decisions, as he believed he was speaking to God, and he didn't dare, as God was many times more powerful than he. That might have been the end of the story, but then, to the surprise of everyone, but particularly Di, who thought he was seeing a ghost, and hid under the table, God appeared. Di realised that it wasn't much use praying, because God was the ghost, so praying to him couldn't help, and he didn't like God anyway. He ventured out from under the table.

God couldn't understand it either, and stood silent for a good long time, which was fortunate, because it gave Jim time to think. He shouted "Who is this, who dares to imitate me?" he said, "Take him away at once, and teach him a lesson. If he doesn't repent, bring him back here for Di." God was taken away, too dumbfounded to complain, and given plenty of chocolate to keep him quiet.

Jim announced a break in the meeting for people to recover. He particularly wanted to recover God, and go back to being Jim. God had the situation explained to him, and eventually understood what had happened, although he was not sure whether to be angry that Pete had not told him about the meeting and that Jim had pretended to be him, or happy that things were working out so well, and he had had a lovely time not worrying about meetings.

Jim went home, and recited all his adventures. This was a bit silly, since he was alone in the house, but perhaps it made him feel good.

God quickly made humans invent pagers, and sent Jesus down to fetch one. By now he had taught Jesus to keep quiet and not get himself killed. Dying took too long, the ascension was difficult to arrange, and God wanted some peace after the excitement when he went missing.