The bloke, still fondling his furry animals, started his tale.

"Cos there's a stable behind and there's lots a white 'orses. Now bugger off you tart."

So Ian - well - buggered off, cos he didn't like to argue with the big bloke - especially as he had the furry animals on his side. He headed west - though not because he thought this would help him, but because he'd heard the ice-cream van park over there, and, as happens when an ice-cream van arrives, he suddenly wanted an ice-cream. So he bought one. Which was not very exciting, but fills up the page a bit quicker.

Anyway, Ian was getting a bit tired (not at all like the writer of this sad story) so he decided to have a really good hunt for the land of nod. But first, he thought, he'd just go and say hello to the horses, because he'd found that horses 'understood' him. This was because most other species of animal was clever enough to work out what a particularly silly bloke he was and laugh at him. But horses generally couldn't be bothered. Well, not if he didn't stand behind them like last time.

So he headed off west, and then remembered that he'd come west to get to where he was now (goodness knows how he knew that, he'd probably been reading the bit above) so worked out, in a climax of intelligence, that he needed to head... um... oh yeah... east.

Which he did.