The Assvauxhall Dictionary of Quotations

Index: Quotes about this website

Everything else referenced by surname:


A          B          C          D
    E          F          G          H
        I          J          K          L
            M          N          O          P
                Q          R          S          T
                    U          V          W          X
                        Y          Z          OTHER

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B

C

Gareth Carrol

GARETH: If you play more games, you've got more of a chance of playing

Dave Catley

DAVE: I think I'm going to die...

SIMON [being difficult]: Dye? What colour, Dave?

DAVE [going along with it for the moment]: Um, do you think I'd look good in pink?

SIMON [being difficulter]: Dave, you are pink!

Chris Clegg

CHRIS [in part of the QA manual that had to be written for software engineering]: Metrics: A set of QA measures used to assess the progress and success of the process.

Simon Croall

SIMON: Haven't you ever walked down a country lane and seen a cats eye and thought "I could have that!" ?

SIMON: Why do people say "No Smoking in this Area" ? It's not an area - it's a volume...

Nick Cross

NICK: Some of the good games are the best ones.

Nick muddling the words 'good' and 'old' - a mix-up that happens to many old people.

D

Alex Darlington

ALEX: So you recorded that off Classic FM?!

SIMON: No, Capital FM...

ALEX: Where's that then?

Simon raises an eyebrow.

ALEX: No, I mean which area is Capital FM from?

Simon raises the eyeborw to its fullest extent and finally the penny drops.

ALEX: I'm not paranoid. Am I?!

ALEX [seeing a black buzzing thing flying into the room, nervously]: What's that?

SIMON [sarcastically]: It's a big black wasp.

ALEX: Aargh!

ALEX [having heard the above story related the following day]: I can't help it if I'm gullible, it's just the way I am.

SIMON: Don't worry, you can take pills for it.

ALEX: Really?

ALEX: I don't like things that flash at me!

Alex is viewing Simon's presentation in Powerpoint. Simon mentions the background is very good.

ALEX: Yes it is, it's like silk...

SIMON: Silk? It's just a blue background.

ALEX: No, it's silk, can't you see? Don't you know what silk looks like?

SIMON: Yes I do, but this is just a light blue background with dark blue lines (or a dark blue background with light blue lines). There is no way that the designer was thinking of silk when he made this.

ALEX: I bet he was. Or water. It could be flowing water.

SIMON: No way - it's just a blue background - bloody English students always making stuff up. The designer was not thinking of water or silk. He just made a blue background.

ALEX: You're wrong. It's obviously meant to be silk. You just can't see it.

SIMON: Prove it.

ALEX: You prove it isn't.

SIMON: Ok, I drew it.

ALEX: No you didn't.

SIMON Yes I did.

ALEX: Please tell me you're taking the piss.

G

Sam Gardner

After playing a badminton match, Sam is asked how the teams did.

SAM: Well, they weren't any better than us, we just lost 9-0.

It's the annual Concert Band and Glee Singers' concert. Glee have done their first few items, and Sam is introduced as Concert Band's conductor. Sam steps up to speak to the audience:

SAM: The first piece we're going to do is a medley of The Beatles.

He turns round to face the band. He rummages through the music on the stand in front of him. Then turns to face the audience once more:

SAM: At least we will, once I've found the music.

Sam heads up the aisle in the audience to where he was sitting.

SAM [from the middle of the audience]: We really will, once I've found it... bear with me!

Sam walks out of the hall, backstage to find the score... The audience all seem to find it surprisingly amusing...

Adrian Goss

A boring lunchtime on a boring school day. About 30 people are sitting in the Fairmaner Music Room in the middle of a choir rehearsal. Mr Goss, conducting, is about to use a Very Clever Analogy to explain something they're not doing quite right:

MR GOSS: Imagine you've got meat and two veg.

Mild ripple of sniggers as people with dirty minds let these minds wander. Assistant Director of Music, also present, smiles.

MR GOSS: Now imagine you've only got meat and one veg.

Goodness knows where this is leading, but everyone knows it is now slightly amusing. Giggles throughout the room, even little first years are starting to get the joke.

MR GOSS: [obviously slightly perturbed by whatever it is that is making the choir giggle. Ignores it.] And then imagine you have only a very tiny amount of meat.

Ok, this is too much, the choir gives up keeping quiet and laughter can be heard all the way down the corridor outside. Assistant Director also now laughing almost uncontrollably. Surely that's the best comment in choir ever. Never to be bettered...

MR GOSS: [still totally unaware of what the joke is that is obviously being circulated, so chooses to ignore it entirely and hopes it goes away. Although, he thinks, they do seem rather interested to hear what I have to say next. So he continues his explanation:] But imagine that you have some gravy...

Richard Gover

It's the first lecture back after a long summer holiday. Simon Taylor and Richard Gover sit next to each other, chatting away, waiting for the lecturer to turn up. As the lecturer finally walks in, Simon suddenly rummages in his bag, produces a pad of paper, and starts writing on it.

RICHARD [to Simon]: What are you doing? Oh - taking notes.

Caroline Grubb

CAROLINE: Is he a male or a female?

(referring, believe it or not, to a large pile of bags in the bar...!)

NICK BULLOCK and SIMON: Tell us a story, Caroline.

SIMON [Seeing Caroline struggling to start and trying to give suggestions]: Once upon a time... A long long time ago...

CAROLINE [Into the swing of things now]: Once upon a time, long ago when I was a little boy...

H

Chris Harte

CHRIS [looking at the bottom of a very tall cliff edge and thinking he's found a new phenomenon]: Why are all the trees so dead-looking?

PAUL: Because it's winter.

CHRIS [producing a lovely glottle stop at the end of 'goblet']: You can't say goble' without a 't'

SIMON [proofreading Chris's work]: You've just copied this out of the book, haven't you, you cheat...!

CHRIS: No, that's ok, because I know what it means.

Matt Hobby

MATT [during labs]: Si, you're weird.

MATT [five minutes later]: Si, has anyone ever told you you're weird?

Prince Naseem

PNH [talking on a 'Live and Kicking' feature on bullying]: An' if you get beat up, you should jus' turn an' walk away, cos you're dealing wiv a lack ov intelligence, know what I mean?

K

Ross Kirk

The students in Ross Kirk's prolog class have listened to almost 20 minutes of an explanation of a particularly easy concept. We all understood what he meant ages ago, and we have known for at least the last 5 minutes exactly what will be the answer to the example he's showing us.

ROSS [getting excited]: And *now* you can see what's going to happen...

L

Charles Liu

Charles, who still hadn't quite mastered the rules of badminton, was talking to Mike Chisholm about ways to practise technique...

CHARLES: You could try practising hitting it against a tree...

P

Gwendolen Powell

GWEN [looking at a clock on the mantelpiece which had been turned to face the wall since the battery had run out]: Where's the face gone?

GWEN [looking up at the night sky and pointing at Orion's belt]: Ooh look - over there are three stars in a row!

R

Helen Robinson

HELEN: "I'm not indecisive... well I am... but I'm not... but..."

HELEN: What's the complicated version of draughts called?

(Helen temporarily forgetting that obscurely named game of chess)

HELEN: Who wants some more chocolate - fruit pastels anyone?

HELEN: Dave, would you like to go out with a 17-year-old who wore a skirt up to here, and liked sex?

HELEN [to one of her maths soc members, Tobias]: Are you anything?

HELEN [when asked what song she wanted played]: Something by the Beegees - maybe Dancing Queen...

Helen and various others are playing Boggle - after three minutes, everyone has formed various words from the available letters, and have to read them out to see if anyone else found them. It is Helen's turn, so she reads out her words. Most of the more-obvious ones have been found already by other people, but Helen still has many left on her sheet:

HELEN: Retend.

SIMON: Would be good if it had a P on the front, but it doesn't... don't think you can have that as a word, Helen.

HELEN: Pret.

JAMES: What!? You can't have Pret!

HELEN: Has anyone got a dictionary so I can check?

HELEN: How about Det?

PETER: There's no B.

HELEN: No, not Debt with a B, Det. D, E, T.

PETER: Huh?! What's that?!

SIMON: Made up.

HELEN: So I can't have Deted either then...?

EVERYONE: No!

HELEN: Oh. Pog?

JAMES: Helen, are any of these real words?

HELEN: Maybe.

JAMES: What's next?

HELEN: Pote.

SIMON: What the hell's Pote?

HELEN: I don't know. But can I have a Poter as well...?

SIMON: Not unless you translate it into English first...

Helen proceeds to read the rest of her words out to similar effect. They are:

tond
tret
toger
pregone
gond
demp
demper
doit
doits
beem
tead
yele
yeles
sheem
blem
bert

There was a three minute argument about whether Pregone was a word or not. Case for: Helen says so. Case against: everyone else, and the dictionary, say not.

Carla Robbie

Pub Quiz Question: Which American Group sung that Na-na was the worst-ever word?

CARLA: The Rolling Stones?

S

Debra Schofield

SOMEONE: ...and they had this toastie maker in the wall - you put some money in, pushed a button, and out came your toasted sandwich!

DEBRA: Was it hot?

BETH JONES: Dr Chambers isn't here today because they're making a beenie baby of him.

DEBRA: Wow - really?

John Shearer

It is Monday night, and badminton club have moved from the sports hall to Langy Bar, where the conversation drifts to the week before's comments about cats' eyes.

HELEN CHAPMAN [to Simon Croall]: Why don't you get some orange ones?

SIMON CROALL: And where am I going to get those from?!

SIMON TAYLOR: A runway?

NICK BULLOCK: Lit up by the planes' headlights?

SI T: Yes.

JOHN: Aeroplanes don't have headlights.

NICK: Yes they do.

JOHN: Not headlights.

SI T: How do you know - have you ever flown a plane?

JOHN: Yes.

SI T: Maybe, but have you ever flown one with headlights?

JOHN: Yes... ... D'oh!

JOHN [halfway round a campus bar-crawl]: I'll be well over-hung in the morning.

Dave Short

SIMON [being not-very-funny]: It wasn't a d, it was a minim.

DAVE [being not-very-clever]: It looked more like a musical symbol to me.

James Seymour

James is on the phone to his mother, sitting right next to the open window. He has just finished his degree, and has had a fair amount of alcohol as a result, which might explain the following...

JAMES [replying to his mother's question]: Yeah, it's chucking it down here.

JAMES [seeing Helen's confused gaze in the direction of the window, turns to look]: Oh, no, it's stopped.

JAMES: My Dad says you have to inhabit the teapot if you want to make tea properly.